Diary of a Danfo Bus Passenger
Sometimes in order to get on a public bus–danfo–you may have to step on a few toes (if you know what I mean) and make one or two enemies. Like Nkiru, who fell flat on the ground the other day because you pushed her a little too hard when you were struggling to get in, she cursed your entire generation that day. Talk about drama!
Unfortunately though, the drama doesn’t end there–the man seated on your left has already dozed off and he’s resting his heavy head on your shoulder. Arghhh!
We can all agree that every danfo bus experience is different and yet somehow similar to the last one. This is because danfos seems to always have most of these characters:
1. The Preachers
Almost every danfo bus has one of these; strong men and women of God who supply their fellow passengers with daily doses of the gospel. Because of this lot you cannot afford to not be saved. Unless of course you are one of those people who doesn’t say Amen to their prayers or one of those who plug in their earbuds the moment they hear “Praise the Lord people of God.”
All in all, it’s all fun and games until they pass you an offering envelope or basket asking you to do something for God.
2. The Devourers
These ones are the ‘chosen’ ones. The ones with divine assignments to patronise all the hawkers and food vendors in the lands. Once they get settled in the danfo bus, they start off by buying a bottle of coke and one big Gala.
By the time the bus is leaving the park they have already bought plantain chips, and abacha, and cashew nuts, and popcorn, and Ice Cream, and peppered meat, and boiled eggs, and wait, even Okpa?
Their mantra is ‘I hope it is fresh’. Let’s not be quick to judge though, they’re not gluttons; they’re just ‘Called’.
3. The Sleepers
The Sleepers aren’t just people who fall asleep on the danfo bus, they’re a special breed. We can admit that all of us have had our fair share of dozing on the bus–but does that alone make you a Sleeper?
Well, let’s find out: Do you fall asleep before the bus leaves the park? Do you sometimes snore and drool while you’re sleeping? Do your fellow passengers constantly tap you or push you because you make their shoulders your pillow? Have you missed your bus stop before because you were sleeping?
If you answered yes to more than two of these questions you should probably get tested for African trypanosomiasis–sorry, I mean sleeping sickness.
4. The Complainers
‘Please can you adjust?’ “Sister, you fit shift small?” “Bros your knees are hurting my back!” “Driver please reduce your radio, it’s too loud!” “Conductor this #200 you gave me is bad, change it!” “Ma can you close the window small, the breeze is scattering my hair!” “Heat wan finish me for this bus o!”
Apart from fidgeting and hissing up to a thousand times, these are some of the things you’ll hear his or her royal majesty aka the Complainer say over and over during the course of the bus trip.
Excuse me, auntie, uncle; why don’t you just charter a whole bus? Or better still get your own car.
5. The Fighters
The Fighters aka Public (bus) enemy number one. These are the bus antagonists, the ones who everyone else seems to be against because of how rude and troublesome they are. They make sure that every ‘defaulting’ passenger gets a share of the gbas gbos and they have the most vile insults at the tip of their tongues.
Steer clear of them if you are too emotional or soft. Behind all that anger and frustration is a backload of family problems, you don’t want to be caught in the middle of it and end up going home missing a tooth or two.
6. The Broadcaster/Amebo
These are undercover delegates from The Ministry of Information, tasked with the responsibility of bringing into the know anything that is ‘hidden’. They usually begin by starting up conversations with the people seated closest to them.
Then within no time, they have taken the center stage and the entire bus is giving them an audience. Apart from public speaking, they also specialize in phone call eavesdropping and phone monitoring. They truly want to know it all–and share it all.
7. The MMB gang(Minding-My-Business)
As the name implies, these people mind their business, they do not fight or preach or complain or gossip or sleep on their seatmates shoulders. They are usually just on their phones throughout the bus trip with their earbuds plugged in.
The only time you notice them is when they are alighting.
#TheGoodStuff serves up some light reading with 2 shots of humor and a dash of sarcasm. This edition highlights seven types of danfo passengers you’re likely to encounter whenever you board a danfo.
